Friendliness and people-pleasing are often confused, especially in the context of our (children) social interactions. While both involve positive interactions with others, they stem from different motivations and have distinct impacts on our emotional well-being and social development.
Defining Friendliness
Friendliness is a natural, genuine behaviour where we interact with others in a kind, approachable, and pleasant manner. It involves sharing, playing together, helping each other, and being supportive. Friendliness is rooted in a sense of empathy and the desire to connect with others without compromising one's own needs and values.
From a child’s perspective, being friendly might look like:
- Sharing toys with peers because they want everyone to have fun.
- Offering help to a friend who is struggling with a task, like tying their shoelaces.
- Inviting a new student to join a game because they remember feeling nervous on their first day too.
- Listening when a friend talks about their feelings, showing genuine interest and care.
Understanding People - Pleasing
People-pleasing, on the other hand, involves altering one’s behaviour to seek approval, avoid conflict, or gain acceptance from others. It often comes at the expense of the people-pleaser’s own needs and boundaries. This behaviour can stem from a desire to fit in, fear of rejection, or the need for validation.
For children, people-pleasing might manifest as:
- Always saying yes to playtime requests, even when they feel tired or want to do something else.
- Giving away their favorite toys to avoid upsetting others, despite feeling sad about it.
- Changing their opinions or preferences to match those of their friends, even if they don’t genuinely agree.
- Apologizing frequently for things that aren’t their fault, simply to keep the peace.
The Impact on Us
The difference between friendliness and people-pleasing significantly impacts a child’s self-esteem, social skills, and emotional health.
Self-Esteem: Friendly children tend to have healthier self-esteem because they balance their own needs with those of others. People-pleasers, however, may struggle with low self-esteem as they constantly seek external validation and fear disapproval.
Social Skills: Friendliness fosters genuine connections and teaches children important social skills like empathy, cooperation, and effective communication. People-pleasing can lead to superficial relationships where the child feels unvalued and unseen.
Emotional Health: Friendly interactions typically result in positive emotions and a sense of belonging. People-pleasing, however, can lead to anxiety, resentment, and burnout, as children suppress their true feelings and desires.
Encouraging Friendliness Over People-Pleasing
Parents, teachers and caregivers play a crucial role in helping children understand the difference between being friendly and people-pleasing.
Here are some strategies to encourage healthy social behaviour:
- Model Healthy Boundaries: Demonstrate how to say no respectfully and assertively. Children learn a lot by observing the adults around them.
- Encourage Self-Expression: Create an environment where children feel safe to express their opinions and preferences, even if they differ from others.
- Praise Genuine Kindness: Acknowledge and praise acts of kindness that are genuine and not driven by a desire for approval.
- Teach Empathy: Help children understand and empathise with others’ feelings while maintaining their own boundaries.
Conclusion:
Understanding the distinction between friendliness and people-pleasing is essential for a child’s social and emotional development. While friendliness fosters genuine connections and a healthy sense of self, people-pleasing can undermine a child's confidence and well-being. By guiding children towards friendly behavior and away from people-pleasing tendencies, we can help them build meaningful relationships and develop a strong, authentic sense of self.